ramblings

I'm sitting at the computer with a baby on my lap. I'm babysitting Brantley; he'll be 10 weeks on Friday. He's a sweetheart!
He is squirmy but happy. This might take a while...I can't type like I usually do...he might fall off my lap.
How long has it been since you had a baby on your lap?
Five minutes? A day? A month?
It's been six years since I had one of my own babies on my lap. Ashton turned six in July so it's been a long time since I had a 10 week old join me in my daily activities.
It's sure fun to have a baby in the house! It's surprising, though, how much my daily plans are altered when there's a hungry baby, a fussy baby, a poopy baby, etc. My usual speedy pace is slowed just a bit to considerably, depending on his mood.

I have a tendency to think a lot about body image (a lot!). Not really anyone else's. Just my own.
I'm frustrated because I've snacked more than usual this month which has caused a general fluffiness/softness/cloud-like quality around my midsection. Whether or not it's noticeable to others is neither here nor there. I notice it and I don't like it.

I'm pretty regular with my workouts.
--Understatement alert.--
I'm completely dedicated to a six-days-a-week workout regime. I take two 1.5hr yoga classes each week, I run, I walk, I squat/lunge/jack/lift/climb/etc.
It's not a lack of workouts that causes my fluffiness. It's the fact that I have a kitchen in my house. I'm pretty sure I'd be fine without my kitchen.
The fact that I have a fridge and cupboards with food in my kitchen totally gets me into trouble. Well, that and the fact that I love to bake and eat my yummy creations. That's what gets me into my cloud-like condition.
I am super duper dedicated in my healthy eating habits until about 3:30pm. From 3:30-7pm I tend to fall off the wagon really easily. Thankfully I'm surprisingly dedicated to my after 7pm no food curfew. It's those darn hours in between that get me into trouble. grrr!

Okay okay. My point...
I have come to realize that I am not a cooler, more awesome, person when I weigh five pounds less. I'm not nicer or friendlier or more Christlike when I'm only eating 1,500 calories a day after burning 700 or so during a work out. (Truthfully I'm probably meaner, grumpier, and more devil-like when I'm eating only that amount cause I feel like I'm going to starve to death!) People don't like me more when my inner thighs don't touch or when my booty looks like I have two cantaloupes shoved into my jeans, i.e., bootylicious. I'm not a better mom when my jawline is perfectly protruding or my arms look like my pre-pubescent daughters'.

Others aren't obsessed with the condition of my body so why am I? 
I know my body is a temple (1 Corinthians 6:19). I want to use it for righteous purposes and I am. I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I have conceived, carried, and delivered four beautiful baby girls--some of them pretty big: 7lbs 13oz, 8lbs 15oz, 6lbs 4oz, and 8lbs. I'm healthy. I'm strong. I sleep well at night. I'm able to do all that's required of me. I can run and not be weary and walk and not faint (D&C 89:20). And, bonus, I'm able to do this without the help of stimulants such as coffee, tea, or caffeinated sodas.

Why in the world do I get so caught up in my weight? my size? my appearance?

With that question in mind I also ask...
Why am I so caught up in the "latest" fashions: jeans, boots, scarves, bags, jewelry, sweaters, coats, tops, bathing suits, cover-ups, etc.???
When I have a closet full of cute clothes that fit me perfectly why do I always want more? I don't need new clothes because I've outgrown my old clothes. I just want more. Always.
I love new clothes. I love new shoes. I love wearing new clothes on a date and to church and, who am I kidding, to the grocery store. I can't wait to get dressed and go running or do yoga when I'm in new work out clothes.
Why is that?
Why do I thrill at the thought of a new pair of Seven jeans? Of course they make my booty look great but are they really worth $200? Do they make my bum look that good???? Yes!!
Am I more fun in new clothes? Am I a more giving person in new clothes? Am I a better friend when I wear new clothes?
I know I'm not more adventurous cause I don't want my new clothes to get dirty or ruined. Heaven forbid!
I'm not more giving because I'm too busy thinking about the next time I can get new clothes. It's like there's a voice on repeat in the back of my head, "how can I get more clothes? when can I get new boots? I want a purse, when can I get a new purse? oooh, how can I pay for those???" I'm certainly not like Heber J Grant, the sweet little boy in this clip. I've never removed clothes from my back to give to someone in need.

I have a girlfriend who is one of the greatest women I know. She is always kind. Always. To everyone. No matter what. Like our Father in Heaven she is not a respector of persons (Acts 10:34). She treats all equally. She is encouraging and supportive and helpful and determined. She is enthusiastic and always, always volunteering in a new capacity.
She isn't gorgeous. She doesn't look like Heidi Klum's twin. She's not a twig. She's not rock hard. She doesn't have perfect hair or perfect teeth. She doesn't wear designer label clothing. Yet she's one of the sweetest people I know.

In the words of Gru from Despicable Me: "Lightbulb!"
They don't go hand in hand...
A perfect body doesn't beget a better Jessica.
Fabulous clothes don't generate nicer words from my mouth or kinder feelings in my heart or warmer regard for my neighbors.
Of course I can sport a rockin' bod and the latest and greatest attire and still be Christlike. Absolutely.
But I don't have to be physically "perfect" to be a great wife/mom/friend/sister/daughter/etc.

I know this.
I've always known this.
So WHY do I get so caught up in it?????
why?
Why?
WHY?

...The baby has had it. He's been a trooper on my lap but he's getting restless. We're going to go play and watch for the school bus. The elementary school girls will be home soon and they're going to love holding this little guy while they try to make him "coo".