emotional. hurting.

I am bawling like a baby. This is literally one of maybe five times a year that I cry. I'm not a crier. Even now as I sob I am subconsciously chiding myself and hearing my own words in my mind, "Why are you crying? It doesn't help anything." But right now, at this moment, I have no other coping mechanism. I feel upset and frustrated.
I don't want to worry anyone, nothing is amiss in my life or the lives of my loved ones. But I realized this morning that something I wanted with my whole heart is not going to happen and I am breaking.
In my patriarchal blessing I was told I have been blessed with the faith of a living god. My faith has carried me through all the hardships in my life. I think maybe that's why I don't need to cry. I trust in the Lord quite naturally and know that He is guiding and shaping my life to His eternal end. Therefore things will work out, they always have, they always will.
I know all will be well...eventually. Right now though, I will cry. And while I cry I will pray to my Heavenly Father and ask Him for the comfort only He can provide. For the understanding only He has as He, and only He, knows me perfectly and therefore knows my pain, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my heartaches, my fears, and my needs.
Today, as I cry, I will cling to Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

pre camp 2012

Last weekend was our Stake's pre-camp. Since Kenne will be at camp this year (as an almost-twelve year old) she was able to go; she was in heaven. We had such a fun time! To be honest I felt a bit emotional. I love the Young Women program so to have two of my girls there with me (as a leader) was fantastic!

Saturday morning I led the hike with Brother Morgan. We chatted while the 50something girls trailed behind us. I kept hearing the same song, sung by different groups of girls. I was impressed by the lyrics but overall the song was unfamiliar to me.
This morning Tana & Kenne were singing it while getting ready (they were watching the video on YouTube via Tana's iPhone). I was excited! I wanted to hear all the words. The video is darling and so is the group. You should watch it! --One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful"--
The song has a good message. My favorite line is "You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful." In this world a girl is constantly bombarded with ugly thoughts about herself.

You're not pretty enough

You're not skinny enough

Your clothes aren't new enough

Your hair is dumb

You're slow

You're stupid

You're not as good as all the other girls

No boy would like a girl with those shoes

Your eyebrows are too...whatever

I know it's a struggle because I've had these thoughts about myself, well except for the shoe thing. I'm pretty sure my girls will too, if they haven't already. My job as their mom is to help them realize their beauty, inside and out, then teach them to only be attracted to boys who will see their amazing goodness, not their few shortcomings.

That's why I love this song! It's encouraging. It's a way for our girls to realize (even subconsciously) that they want a boy who thinks fabulous things about them. "If only you saw what I can see...that's what makes you beautiful."

I love it! 

that's so random!

Today as I was putting on my mascara I wondered how many times in my life I've put on mascara.

I love my Rainbow flip flops. They are probably my most comfortable pair of shoes. I'm so glad my cute mom had my cute dad buy them for me!

Whenever Sugarland, REM, or James Taylor come on the radio/Pandora I literally cannot change the station fast enough.

I prefer grocery shopping between 6-7am.

I am a loner and I'm okay with that; I love being alone.

Yesterday Montana told me that one of her friends "has smoked weed six times." Several things about that statement were alarming to me. First is the fact that Tana said weed instead of pot or marijuana. I wonder if she knows what weed is?? I'm pretty sure I didn't know the word weed in 7th grade. Second, that this friend (who we've known since 3yr preschool) would have access to weed six times as a 7th grader. What?!?! Third, that even if she hasn't actually smoked it six times the fact that she thinks it's cool to say she has is shocking.
I know there is a big, scary world filled with drugs, alcohol, STDs and all other kinds of junk but as I have led a significantly sheltered life (both by my parents' doing and my own) I wouldn't have the first clue about where to find drugs, the audacity to do it as a 13 year old, and the nutball idea to smoke in the first place. Granted I'm a Mormon/Latter-Day Saint and drugs are strictly forbidden by our Word of Wisdom. I've never touched drugs, alcohol, coffee, tee, tobacco, etc. I've never had a desire. I've seen lives severely complicated and ruined by drug and alcohol abuse. There is absolutely nothing enticing about any of it! I hope and pray that my girls will have no desire to partake of any of it either. I'm so happy Tana realized what a ridiculous thing it is that anyone would smoke weed in 7th grade, or ever. Sheesh!

I wish I could have a Cafe Rio salad for dinner tonight. I wish I could eat it surrounded by all my out-of-state family.

I wish all my out-of-state family would move to Destin, or at least to Florida. It's a fabulous place to live!! Come one! Come all!

I hope Mitt Romney is our next president.

I am ready for summer 2012. I am ready for soccer & track to come to an end. I am ready for this school year to be over, both for the girls' sakes and my own. I cannot wait for the London Olympics!!! The summer olympics are by far my favorite. FYI: I will be logging some serious time in front of my TV.

Next year will be Tana's last year in middle school...then she's off to high school. Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!

at the crossroads

My daily life has sure changed over the past 13+ years. December of 1998 I was nine months pregnant with Montana mid-way through my junior year at BYU. I took my finals mid-December and waited for our baby girl to arrive. She finally did December 30 (thank you, Pitocin!!). We moved to Destin January 20, 1999.
By August of 2002 I had three "babies" at home. Tana was 3 1/2, Kennedy was not quite 2, and Tatum was brand new (and teeny tiny). Tatum was born the day before my 25th birthday.
Life was super fun but super busy with three baby girls underfoot at all times, and in all things, and in all places. Ashton joined the ranks the summer of 2006. Montana was just about to enter 2nd grade, Kennedy 1st grade, and Tatum 4yr old preschool.
When Ashton started 3yr old preschool in August of 2009 I went back to school. It was high time I finish, or at least begin the process of finishing, what I'd started at BYU the summer of 1995. I took one semester of classes at Northwest Florida State College (in Niceville). This was a huge blow to my ego; I felt like I'd taken a major step backward in receiving my education. I began my undergrad degree at one of the country's most competitive universities and was going to finish my degree at a junior college??? No way!
In January of 2000 I transferred to BYU (via online classes). I will finish at BYU, hip hip hooray! I have eight classes to go until I finish and can finally legitimately say to my girls, "Rogers go to college to graduate...and get married."
The volume level of our house from 8am-3pm is markedly different than it once was. Here I sit at my computer updating the blog and doing homework in a completely silent house. Of course it's plenty chaotic from 7-8am and 3-9pm. Those chaotic times are crazy but they're wonderful too. It's when Dust & I are able to wholly enjoy these little daughters of God who are growing into truly beautiful young women, soon to be wives & mothers.
I have always wanted to be a mom. Always! I am incredibly thankful that I am able to be a stay-at-home mom. I was raised by a stay-at-home mom, Dust was too. It is important to us that I be here with our girls... enjoying the moments of laughter, spontaneous dance parties and handstand contests, talks about boys, baking and eating together, talking about the world and how we are supposed to be a peculiar people/different than those around us.
President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Be at the crossroads when your children are either coming or going--when they leave and return from school, when they leave and return from dates, when they bring friends home. Be there at the crossroads whether your children are six or sixteen."
I loved having my mom home every day. I knew she would be there and I LOVED it! I loved the peace and security that being home with Mom provided. She created an amazing home environment for us and it is in her home that I developed my intense love of home. I love being at home. I have always loved being at home.
I am so thankful to be at the crossroads. I love being here in the morning to get my girls ready and out the door. I love welcoming them in the afternoon. I love hearing their voices whether they're telling me about their day, complaining about a homework assignment, or telling a joke (in the longest way humanly possible. haha!) I love their laughter! I get a kick out of their idiosyncrasies, their personalities, their sense of humor, their desires for goodness. I am so thankful to be a mom! I love being a mom!! I am thankful that our church continues to testify of the importance of family despite the world's views of its decreasing, even obsolete, importance.

I know I am doing God's work as Dust & I raise these beautiful girls.

ashton's big big day

Yesterday afternoon started out like any other. Tater and Ashton came in off the school bus, had a snack (it's almost always an avocado)

and we went outside to play. (I had ulterior motives. It was the day for Bug to learn to ride her bike!) Once I told her what we were doing she was a basket case. She had tears streaming down her face, "Mom, I'm just really scared. I don't want to fall." I promised her it wouldn't take more than 20 minutes and I promised, promised, promised I wouldn't let her fall. We started. The tears poured and continued to pour until she realized she could do it. Less than 20 minutes later our little Bug was riding along without help. She still "hates to turn" though.

She still has a bit to learn but the "scary" part is over. Now she knows she can do it and my worries that she'd go off to college and maybe even on a mission without learning to ride a bike are no longer warranted. My baby girl can ride a bike. Yee haw!

While Dust & Tater were at soccer practice Bug got ready for bed. We flossed her teeth and brushed her teeth. I noticed that one of her top teeth looked a bit gray. I asked her if she'd fallen and hit her mouth to which she replied no. I wiggled her tooth and wouldn't you know it was loose. It even sprayed a bit of blood with the wiggling, hence the gray tooth. Ashton was thrilled! She was now closer to joining the ranks of children worthy of a visit from the Tooth Fairy. We wiggled it and jiggled it but nothing happened. I tucked her into bed. About three minutes later she appeared in my bathroom evidently too excited to sleep. She had more wiggling to do.

(We filmed the tooth wiggling to send to Aunt Stacey. Stace can't stand the sight of loose teeth.)

Ashton pulled and pushed and yanked and tugged that tooth till it literally popped out of her head, landed in her lap, and blood splattered the bathroom mirror. Ashton smiled and laughed and swished water. She was one happy little five year old.

This morning she couldn't wait to show her new smile to Mrs. Turner and her kindergarten class.

easter beauties...all things spring

I love Easter!

I love the new growth and new life this time each year.

Destin is blooming and it is beautiful!

My girlies are growing. They are little beauties.

Spring is full of activity.

Tana and Kenne's track season is in full swing.

Tater & Bug are going strong in soccer.

Kenne was admitted to Beta Club.

In the words of Bob Wiley (aka "What About Bob?")

"I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."

And I hope you do too!



and it still does

I just sat down to the computer to work on my current class, Strengthening Marriage and Family. Which I LOVE by the way! This was the first paragraph of my assigned reading:

In his book, Four Essays on Love (1971, p. 28), Truman Madsen tells the following story:

It was an anniversary banquet. A four-generation family gathered to honor their silvery grandfather and his sweetheart. It seems to me it was their sixtieth, but, as you will see, it doesn't matter which. This slight, hallowed woman sat, very close, I thought, to her husband. He was an oak, 81, and his body had the measuring lines and circles of his long, hard pull. You would say he was an ugly old fellow, except for the clearness of his eyes. He stood and made some comment about the flamboyant way love is advertised these days. Then he said, “When I was a boy, it thrilled me just to touch Lucy's arm.” He turned, smiled in her lifted face and said, most softly, “And it still does.”

Of course this made me cry! You'd have to be made of stone to not experience a little teariness from the tender expression of this husband.

Oh, baby! That is exactly how I feel about Dust. It's fun in the beginning of a relationship when every touch, every look, every everything releases a new batch of butterflies in your stomach. But I have to admit, I still get butterflies when Dust: winks at me with his beautiful brown eyes; when he tickles my arm, my hand, or my leg for hours as we watch TV and cuddle; and always when I recall sweet words he spoke to me the day before.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Dust, I'll love you forever!!